Copyright 1996, by Emerald City Publishing.

All rights reserved.  May not be reproduced without permission.  

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IÕM CERTIFIED FOR SLEEP


by
Jonathan Vos Post
Dr. Christine Carmichael
and Andrew Carmichael Post


*******************************************


Imagine a world where you need a license to sleep

If you donÕt have one, the Pajama Police
poke you with batons when you doze off

Up to age 16, you only need a learnerÕs permit
for sleepwalking and daydreaming

It took me three tries to get my certification.
The first time, I came to the sleeping test without a pillow.
The second time, I failed the written part of Alarm Clock.

The best Certified Sleepers become teachers
in sleeping schools, where you can be
punished for not sleeping in class

The very best go on to the Sleep Olympics,
where they start by blowing out the ceremonial flame

Americans won gold medals in the Parallel Beds
and the Uneven Couches

Germany won Synchronized Sleeping

The NetherlandsÕ Bedwetting champion
was found with his finger in the mattress

The French, again, swept Bedhopping

From two hundred countries, the competitors
assembled in long silk uniforms
and nightcaps with tassels

The fastest man alive broke
the record for the 100-second nap

Men entered the Van Winkle Sleep Marathon,
women were in the Sleeping Beauty

The top box-office film was The Big Sleep.

The most popular rock group is R.E.M.

Adult video stores sell Z-rated films
of  movie stars sleeping together

Therapists treat Premature Awakening

The D.E.A. comes down hard on siesta-happy Mexicans
smuggling sleeping pills across the border,
but the Mafia controls sleeping with the fishes

Sleeping at the wheel can cost you your license,
and only the boss is allowed to sleep on the job

Scientists debate: is there sleep on other planets?

The Department of Defense invests
billions in Nightmare Technology
and AmericaÕs motto is ÒDo Not DisturbÓ

Why does government regulate sleep?
Because they want to control your dreams.

If you canÕt sleep, you canÕt dream,
except for those of us who learn
to dream while weÕre awake:

The lunatics, the lovers, and the poets.

*******************************************

from JonathanÕs dream 17-18 Aug 96
dictated at  breakfast
Ventura, California



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