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Imagine a world where you need a license to sleep
If you don't have one, the Pyjama Police
poke you with batons when you doze off
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Up to age 16, you only need a learner's permit
for sleepwalking and daydreaming
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It took me three tries to get my certification
The first time, I came to the sleeping test without a pillow
The second time, I failed the written part of Alarm Clock
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The best certified sleepers become teachers
in sleeping schools, where you can be
punished for not sleeping in class
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The very best go on to the Sleep Olympics,
where they start by blowing out the ceremonial flame
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Americans won gold medals in the Parallel Beds
and the Uneven Couches
Germany won Synchronized Sleeping
The Netherlands Bedwetting champion
was found with his finger in the mattress
The French, again, swept Bedhopping
From two hundred countries, the competitors
assembled in long silk uniforms and nightcaps with tassels
The fastest man alive broke
broke the record for the 100-second nap
Men entered the Van Winkle Sleep Marathon
women were in Sleeping Beauty
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The top box office film is The Big Sleep
The most popular rock group is REM
Adult video stores sell Z-rated films
of movie stars sleeping together
Therapists treat Premature Awakening
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The DEA comes down hard on siesta-happy Mexicans
smuggling sleeping pills across the border,
but the Mafia controls sleeping with the fishes
Sleeping at the wheel can cost you your license
and only the boss is allowed to sleep on the job
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Scientists debate: is there sleep on other planets?
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The Department of Defense invests
billions in Nightmare Technology
and America's motto is "Do Not Disturb"
Why does the government regulate sleep?
Because they want to control your dreams
If you can't sleep, you can't dream
except for those of us who learn
to dream while we're awake:
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The lunatics, the lovers, and the poets.