I'M CERTIFIED FOR SLEEP

by

Jonathan Vos Post

Christine Carmichael

Andrew Post

Illustrated by Katherine O'Brien

Pyjama Police! Up and at 'em

Imagine a world where you need a license to sleep

If you don't have one, the Pyjama Police

poke you with batons when you doze off

Here ya go, sweetie, one sleep permit. Have a nice nap.

Up to age 16, you only need a learner's permit

for sleepwalking and daydreaming

Oh no - Not again!

It took me three tries to get my certification

The first time, I came to the sleeping test without a pillow

The second time, I failed the written part of Alarm Clock

Class, I want everyone's eyes closed!

The best certified sleepers become teachers

in sleeping schools, where you can be

punished for not sleeping in class

The very best go on to the Sleep Olympics,

where they start by blowing out the ceremonial flame

Americans won gold medals in the Parallel Beds

and the Uneven Couches

Germany won Synchronized Sleeping

The Netherlands Bedwetting champion

was found with his finger in the mattress

The French, again, swept Bedhopping

From two hundred countries, the competitors

assembled in long silk uniforms and nightcaps with tassels

The fastest man alive broke

broke the record for the 100-second nap

Men entered the Van Winkle Sleep Marathon

women were in Sleeping Beauty

The top box office film is The Big Sleep

The most popular rock group is REM

Adult video stores sell Z-rated films

of movie stars sleeping together

Therapists treat Premature Awakening

The DEA comes down hard on siesta-happy Mexicans

smuggling sleeping pills across the border,

but the Mafia controls sleeping with the fishes

Sleeping at the wheel can cost you your license

and only the boss is allowed to sleep on the job

Trantor can't support sleep, it's too near its sun

Scientists debate: is there sleep on other planets?

It was horrible! I dreamt I couldn't sleep. We must continue our research

The Department of Defense invests

billions in Nightmare Technology

and America's motto is "Do Not Disturb"

Why does the government regulate sleep?

Because they want to control your dreams

If you can't sleep, you can't dream

except for those of us who learn

to dream while we're awake:

The lunatics, the lovers, and the poets.